Tangent: Francis Ford Coppola's Bram Stoker's Dracula

Recently, io9's Charlie Jane Anders put Francis Ford Coppola's Bram Stoker's Dracula (hereinafter "Coppola's Dracula") on her 12movies that are incredibly beautiful and utterly vapid list.  Anders' description of the film is, "Every frame of this movie is gorgeously crafted, full of silhouettes and chiaroscuro tableaux. But it doesn't add up to anything."  This post is my response to the inclusion of Coppola's Dracula in the list. 

First, I am not quite sure what Anders' means by "doesn't add up to anything."  One possibility is that she simply thinks that Dracula is complete bosh, and therefore the reason why this version of the Dracula story makes the list is that all of the others are not even pretty to look at.  If this is the reason, then I have no response.  On the other hand, Anders may be putting Coppola's Dracula on the list because she believes that Coppola's version adds nothing to the Dracula corpus.  If this is the case, I disagree.  Coppola took the Dracula story, and dialed up the Catholicism.

Unique among Dracula films, perhaps among vampire movies as a whole, Coppola's Dracula asserts vampirism is a consequence of sacrilege.  Dracula is given an origin, and this origin is the profanation of the Holy Eucharist.  Dracula becomes a vampire by taking Holy Communion unworthily--not simply outside of a state of grace, but as a deliberate middle finger to God.  Thus, as we learn from 1 Corinthians 11:28-30, he drinks damnation to himself and the Blood of Life brings death instead.  The vampire, then, is a walking mockery of the Resurrection.  This is a constant theme in the film.  It is significant that, in his seduction of Mina in the asylum, Dracula speaks of drinking his blood in Eucharistic terms.  What we have here is blasphemy--a profanation of the Sacrament.  Similarly, it is significant that in this same scene, Dracula opens up his right side and has Mina drink from there--a reference to the post mortem wound inflicted by the spear while God hung lifeless on the Cross, and out of which came Blood and water--a symbol of both Baptism and the Eucharist (See John 20:34).  Coppola is clearly linking vampirism and blasphemy.  Finally, in Coppola's Dracula, unique among Dracula movies, the vampire is not destroyed but saved.  Unlike in other Dracula films, Van Helsing and his team do not succeed in tracking down Dracula and eliminating the evil.  Rather, Dracula repairs to the very chapel in which he committed his most grievous sin and is reconciled to God.  Dracula's idolatry (love of Elizabeta greater than his love of God) becomes, in an act of supreme grace and divine irony (through Mina), the means of his final salvation.  It is, as the Easter vigil Exultet puts it, felix culpa, a happy fault (in the Exultet, this refers to the sin of Adam--the Fall, which was the proximate cause of the Incarnation, Resurrection and Ascension of Christ--and by adoption, the glorification of Man).  Dracula's original sin is forgiven, and he is restored from his fallen state of vampirism.  Dracula's true death is the means of accomplishing this--by death he destroys the walking death of vampirism, and in an audacious switch, Coppola makes Dracula the Christ figure because by dying at the [read: on the] cross, he frees Mina, the one he loves [read: mankind] from her curse of living death, granting life.

Anders is mistaken in thinking that Coppola's Dracula is vapid.  Coppola's take on the Dracula story is unique, and it is as fresh today as it was back in 1992.  Coppola took a story traditionally seen as a cautionary tale with vampirism as metaphor for either disease or sex and transformed it into a divine comedy.  Perhaps he was successful, perhaps he was not.  One can argue with the idea that this is a legitimate reading of Bram Stoker's novel, one can disagree with Coppola's Catholicism, but I cannot see how one can describe this fresh take on an old story as not "add[ing] up to anything." 

P.S. -- I still cannot figure out how Keanu Reaves was able to get these dramatic roles.  He was in this (and sucked), he was in Much Ado About Nothing (and sucked), he was in Devil's Advocate (and sucked), he was in Point Break (and sucked).  Does this guy just audition really well?  Does he have phenomenally damaging blackmail material on all of Hollywood?  What is going on here?

The FP

This is an example of a deliberate attempt to create a WTF movie.  The basic premise of this movie is this: Rival gangs settle their differences by playing Dance Dance Revolution (or, to avoid getting sued by Konami, "Beat Beat Revolution").  Yet, this is not the most WTF part of the movie.  The stakes of this video game dance off are that the winner controls the local liquor store, and when the liquor store is controlled by the villain, he cuts of the booze supply.  When the alcohol no longer flows, ecological disaster results since the absence of booze drives away the bums, who no longer frequent the park, and consequently, the ducks leave.  Yes, you read that correctly, The FP is Dune.  Also, the privation of alcohol causes everybody to turn to meth instead, which I what I told my so-called family and friends at the last intervention with which they ambushed me.  

The other really WTF part of The FP is that the dialog is in Ebonics.  There are no black actors in the film, nor are there any black characters in the film, so this is not some sort of Gary Oldman in True Romance thing, but rather a stylistic choice.  Interesting choice, but inasmuch as I had no kindly Barbara Billingsley to translate for me, I wish there were English subtitles so that I could understand what the hell everybody was talking about.

All in all, The FP is really a martial arts sports movie.  The protagonist quits DDR after the death of his best friend during a match, then is called back after some passage of time to right the evils described above, he meets a new trainer, there is a training montage with a new mentor, finally defeats the rival who beat his friend, then gets a blowjob from the love interest (and I mean actual fellatio--not "wins the love of the girl").  The only thing they left out was the DDR tournament where the protagonist beats (ha ha, puns!) a succession of opponents before finally challenging the rival (instead, he defeats one other person before going straight to the finals).  Predictable, mediocre plot that we have all seen before, but the bizarre DDR+Ebonics angle makes it worth watching for the sole purpose of showing it to your friends so as to exclaim together, "Dude, WTF?!"

The Hunter

Willem Dafoe stars as a mercenary sent to Tasmania to track down the last living Tasmanian tiger and obtain its genetic material. Once he reaches the tiger's wild habitat, the hunter poses as a scientist to begin his search.

 Okay, this one is just a real story telling WTF. Why would anyone hire a mercenary to track down a Tasmanian tiger. I mean, if your after a dangerous cryptid like the Yeti or something I can understand why you might want some firepower. But we're talking about a wild canine.

I notice that the box praises Willem Dafoe's performance.

Bonus: Sam Neill

Blood: The Last Vampire and (just plain) Blood

Blood: The last Vampire is an English-language, Chinese-produced, live-action remake of the Japanese anime movie of the same name starring Korean actress Jeon Ji-hyun AKA Ji-Hyun Jun AKA Gianna Jun AKA "Gianna" (per the credits).  Only in America.  Anyway, the movie is exactly what you are looking for if you need your Japanese-schoolgirl-with-sword-vs.-[insert supernatural horror here] fix.  This movie is not particularly well acted, and the plot has quite a few glaring holes and loose ends that never get tied up.  On the other hand, the cinematography is solid and the action scenes are well done.  If you want a decent-looking action flick with good fight scenes, give this one a try.  There is just one thing: After finishing this movie I felt like I had just re-watched American Ninja.  WTF, man!

Searching for "Blood" also brings up another movie.  Blood, directed by Shimoyama Ten, is very different from Blood: The Last Vampire, and not nearly as good.  This movie tries to be sexy vampire noir, but fails.  Remember the scene in Spiderman 3 where emo douchebag Peter Parker dances with some random woman in the club to make Mary Jane jealous?  This movie is that scene paced over an hour-and-a-half.  Fundamentally, the problem with this movie is that it doesn't know what it wants to be.  There are action elements, but they are not exciting.  There are mystery elements, but they are not suspenseful.  There are romance elements, but they are emotionless.  There are sex elements, but they are not titillating.  There are supernatural elements, but the mythology is confused.  The whole is simply less than the sum of its parts.  This is not a "sleek horror thriller," nor does the "onetime samurai tell of his fateful transformation at the hands of femme fatale Miyako," nor does the detective "struggle[] to resist the siren's toothsome call."  Total bait-and-swtich.  WTF, man!

American Warships

Not to be confused with the blockbuster Battleship, it's up to the "USS Iowa" to fend off an army of alien invaders who are out to destroy the planet in this low-budget sci-fi thriller.

 When I read the synopsis, my first thought was "Did Universal threaten litigation?". I hit the google and sure enough they did.

Now I know The Asylum's whole business strategy is cranking out cheap knock offs. But I really can't imagine why they thought Battleship: The Movie was even worth knocking off.

Norwegian Ninja

 

Convicted as a traitor by the Norwegian government, Arne Treholt is an enigmatic character in the annals of European Cold War espionage. This quirky offering adds a satirical layer to his tale, imagining Treholt as the leader of a secret ninja force.

 The wikipedia gives some more pertinent details

2010 action-comedy Norwegian Ninja (Norwegian: Kommandør Treholt & ninjatroppen) created a fake "secret history" of the affair: Treholt was commander of a secret team of ninjas that fought enemies of the state on orders from the King of Norway, and that their centre-left political views lead to Operation Gladio framing them for treason.

I don't even know what to say about this. Props to the fim makers for working Operation Gladio into the plot. How many comedies can make that claim!

All Star Superman

For the first post, I would like to call attention to the synopsis for All Star Superman

 "After Lex Luthor tricks Superman into prolonged exposure to radiation, the Man of Steel is left with only weeks to live, and his powers are waning. As he prepares for his demise, Superman has scores to settle and must stop Luthor's diabolical scheme."

 Now, if you've seen the movie or read the book you'll know immediately what is wrong with this description. Namely that Superman's powers are peaking as a result of his prolonged exposure to the sun. The movie makes that clear in at least two separate scenes. A character even uses the phrase "The greatest superfeats of your career." at one point.

You have to wonder if whoever wrote the summary even saw the film.

VERDICT: Synopsis WTF

Welcome to WTFlix

I have a lot of free time. Much of which I spend browsing netflix on my media player. This blog is a collection of the most WTF films, humourously inaccurate descriptions, and other oddities I've come across in their catalog.