Blood: The Last Vampire and (just plain) Blood

Blood: The last Vampire is an English-language, Chinese-produced, live-action remake of the Japanese anime movie of the same name starring Korean actress Jeon Ji-hyun AKA Ji-Hyun Jun AKA Gianna Jun AKA "Gianna" (per the credits).  Only in America.  Anyway, the movie is exactly what you are looking for if you need your Japanese-schoolgirl-with-sword-vs.-[insert supernatural horror here] fix.  This movie is not particularly well acted, and the plot has quite a few glaring holes and loose ends that never get tied up.  On the other hand, the cinematography is solid and the action scenes are well done.  If you want a decent-looking action flick with good fight scenes, give this one a try.  There is just one thing: After finishing this movie I felt like I had just re-watched American Ninja.  WTF, man!

Searching for "Blood" also brings up another movie.  Blood, directed by Shimoyama Ten, is very different from Blood: The Last Vampire, and not nearly as good.  This movie tries to be sexy vampire noir, but fails.  Remember the scene in Spiderman 3 where emo douchebag Peter Parker dances with some random woman in the club to make Mary Jane jealous?  This movie is that scene paced over an hour-and-a-half.  Fundamentally, the problem with this movie is that it doesn't know what it wants to be.  There are action elements, but they are not exciting.  There are mystery elements, but they are not suspenseful.  There are romance elements, but they are emotionless.  There are sex elements, but they are not titillating.  There are supernatural elements, but the mythology is confused.  The whole is simply less than the sum of its parts.  This is not a "sleek horror thriller," nor does the "onetime samurai tell of his fateful transformation at the hands of femme fatale Miyako," nor does the detective "struggle[] to resist the siren's toothsome call."  Total bait-and-swtich.  WTF, man!

American Warships

Not to be confused with the blockbuster Battleship, it's up to the "USS Iowa" to fend off an army of alien invaders who are out to destroy the planet in this low-budget sci-fi thriller.

 When I read the synopsis, my first thought was "Did Universal threaten litigation?". I hit the google and sure enough they did.

Now I know The Asylum's whole business strategy is cranking out cheap knock offs. But I really can't imagine why they thought Battleship: The Movie was even worth knocking off.

Norwegian Ninja

 

Convicted as a traitor by the Norwegian government, Arne Treholt is an enigmatic character in the annals of European Cold War espionage. This quirky offering adds a satirical layer to his tale, imagining Treholt as the leader of a secret ninja force.

 The wikipedia gives some more pertinent details

2010 action-comedy Norwegian Ninja (Norwegian: Kommandør Treholt & ninjatroppen) created a fake "secret history" of the affair: Treholt was commander of a secret team of ninjas that fought enemies of the state on orders from the King of Norway, and that their centre-left political views lead to Operation Gladio framing them for treason.

I don't even know what to say about this. Props to the fim makers for working Operation Gladio into the plot. How many comedies can make that claim!

All Star Superman

For the first post, I would like to call attention to the synopsis for All Star Superman

 "After Lex Luthor tricks Superman into prolonged exposure to radiation, the Man of Steel is left with only weeks to live, and his powers are waning. As he prepares for his demise, Superman has scores to settle and must stop Luthor's diabolical scheme."

 Now, if you've seen the movie or read the book you'll know immediately what is wrong with this description. Namely that Superman's powers are peaking as a result of his prolonged exposure to the sun. The movie makes that clear in at least two separate scenes. A character even uses the phrase "The greatest superfeats of your career." at one point.

You have to wonder if whoever wrote the summary even saw the film.

VERDICT: Synopsis WTF

Welcome to WTFlix

I have a lot of free time. Much of which I spend browsing netflix on my media player. This blog is a collection of the most WTF films, humourously inaccurate descriptions, and other oddities I've come across in their catalog.